Your Metal Donkey

Posted by Bradley Laird

Cars or trucks haul you around. They can also haul your friends and family around. They haul your stuff from place to place. This can be very handy. In more ancient times asses hauled our asses around. Beating your ass made you a lesser man and your ass would never forgive you for it.

Lulu, my companion, non-metallic donkey, has nothing to forgive me for.

The metal ass doesn’t need to be kept all that clean. Far too much effort is wasted in shining up your metal donkey. Who cares about looks like as long as the beast gets you from here to there? About once a year a good cleaning would be in order. If nothing else, it is a good chance to look at the floor boards, once you rake all that crap out, to see if they are rusted clean through.

Keep your donkey's feet in good shape. New tires when the old ones are showing metal cords could keep you out of a ditch, upside down.

The whoa command is more important than the giddy-up. If nothing else works on your car be sure that the brakes are decent. Know a couple of ways of stopping a car without brakes. This said, always drive as if your brakes are shot to hell. Good training is to own a car with bad brakes for a few months. You’ll soon learn that you can get around pretty good without them in top condition if you drive in the right way. As soon as you have learned this, get your brakes fixed but keep driving the old way.

This 1987 Jeep Commanche is getting nature's free car wash from a passing thunderstorm. It cost me $300. How much is your monthly payment? Yes, some P.O.S. knocked my passenger vent window out in E. Atlanta while I was playing a bass gig, and yes, I did patch that window with a Ron Paul campaign sign and some packing tape, but who cares. Not me.

Car dealers have a well-deserved reputation for being con men and crooks. This is so for good reason. Doubt everything a car dealer tells you. Buy a used car. Don’t buy a used up car unless you have a lot of tools and some good friends who like to tinker and owe you some favors.

Be ready to make repairs, at least sufficient repairs to keep the liquids from running out on the ground. The highest priced repair is always less expensive than the price of a new car.

Don’t be concerned about what other people think of the age or condition of your transportation. Any person who makes unkind remarks is unkind and you can make a mental note to avoid them. On the flip side, don’t ever make snotty comments to other people about why they visit the car wash and detailing shop so often. That is equally unkind and really none of your business.

The 1977 WV Campmobile ($1,200) and, barely seen, my 1967 VW Campmobile ($500). They got me around for a long time. Always figure if you are spending more on parts and repairs than you paid for the vehicle you are on the right track.

Treat your mechanical ass with respect but don’t spoil the creature. Say nice things to your metal beast of burden and always be prepared to walk home if you need to. Carry a jacket in case it is raining.

Brad

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